Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Heart Relics!

Joe, this slap is for you...
Jacoby's Treasure Chest has been pre-empted today because of something of far greater importance. I cannot in good faith show you some lousy, worthless autograph pieces of junk, when I would much rather sing to you the praises of the greatest invention known to mankind...the relic card!

Relics cards are without a doubt the greatest innovation that this hobby has ever seen. Gimmicky? Not a chance! the relic card gives collectors of all ages the ability to own an actual piece of game-worn material from an actual major league baseball star. There is no greater feeling on earth than tearing into a pack of wax to find that "slightly thicker than normal" baseball card that reveals a limitless number of treasure opportunities.

Limitless indeed. Bat relics, warm-up jerseys, pants, all-star jerseys, home jerseys, away jerseys, dual jerseys, triple-threads, stadium seats, jerseys of people who sat in stadium seats holding bats...

There truly is no greater feeling than holding that tiny little square swatch, you can feel the fabric and imagining the player that wore it, and the amazing plays that took place with that jersey. And the jerseys are guaranteed game-worn! Game worn by that player? During an actual game? Who knows, but why should we ever question baseball card producers, after all they are out their to please us! My personal thoughts are that these relics are from each player's greatest game ever played, and that the card companies are just being modest by not telling us.

Just the name alone...relic...rolls off the tounge nicely.

1. a surviving memorial of something past.
2. an object having interest by reason of its age or its association with the past: a museum of historic relics.
3. a surviving trace of something: a custom that is a relic of paganism.

A surviving memorial of something past....WOW! An actual piece of baseball lore displayed beautifully in the never dull, always creative baseball card housing case. The sacrifices made by card companies to fulfill our desires to own a piece of the past are monumental, and their efforts are much appreciated!

You might see relic cards go for unusually low prices on eBay. This is exactly how it should be as those who don't understand the values of owning a piece of history clearly are stepping aside for those that do. Quite frankly it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that so many beautiful masterpieces go unnoticed by "novice" collectors who clearly don't understand the significance of the relic cards. Makes me sick, I tell ya.

Many collectors value autographs over relics. AUTOGRAPHS?? Are you kidding me....AUTOGRAPHS? Playoffs?? Clearly only the uneducated collectors value ridiculous shiny stickers signed in massive quantities, in undecipherable scribbles, then slapped on a regular thickness, boring piece of cardboard. Smudges, smears, and fading abound, and as auto collectors fume at a faded 2007 Sweet Spot baseball, relic owners grin knowingly as they gently stoke their Kendry Morales home jersey polyester. So soft.

So what relics are the best to collect? Well, ALL OF THEM of course! Star players, prospects, burnouts, relics that spell words, relics shaped like stars, home plate, some bunny-looking rabbit thing (Bowman Heritage), or the Letter M (Goodwin Champions). I am actually not sure why the letter M, but I am fairly certain it stands for marvelous! Don't even get me going on relics with stripes or stitching, but if you are fortunate enough to pull one, penny sleeve it, topload it, screw it down and never let it out of your site. That baby is golden!

In closing, I have clearly chosen the wrong path since I started collecting. I have seen the error of my ways. Its not about the autographs, people, its about owning HISTORY. I thank the card companies and Michael Eisner for taking all of my money and making this dream a reality. Run out and get yerself some relics today!

...I am going to go throw up now.


  1. I never knew you felt this way... I've got a half dozen or so white swatch relics of guys I've never heard of... they're on their way to you!!!!


  2. Haha - I love the little relic vs autograph rant. Check out our new baseball card show where we give away all the cards for free -

  3. That has got to be the funniest post I've ever read, on any blog, ever.

    Seriously though, HISTORY!!!! That guy sitting in a stadium wearing a jersey holding a bat will never be at that moment in time EVER AGAIN!! Think about the permanence of it all.

    An autograph? Bleh. People will always have names, pens, and paper upon which they'll write their names. Why is DereK Jeter autograph worth more than Derek Lilliquist? Why is David Wright valued so much higher than David Eckstein? They're the same freakin' names, people!!!!

  4. Sorry, I so have to disagree with you. If someone held out a jersey and then cut a square off it and handed it to me saying it's a piece of history. I think I would throw up that they just destroyed a piece of history. The fact that card companies are doing this and then selling it as thousands of pieces makes me sad. Collectors, who don't realize this, are part of the problem and are in fact destroying history. Now if card companies made a card that offered up the full jersey, now that's a 1 of 1 worth owning and the piece of history is intact.

  5. hilarious as the HIMYM slap bet...can't wait till the next one...or will we see a trade? I could see one of your slap blogs as trade bait!!

  6. Hahahahahahahaha so funny. I can't wait to see the future slaps.

  7. Preach it brother! Relics Rule!

  8. Haha. Nice "Playoffs??" reference thrown in there.

    What would have been even better is if you hadn't announced that this was a slap post and part of the punishment was having to take all the comments like Chris OK's while knowing you were on his side.

    Good stuff