Saturday, January 9, 2010

JD's Pack Rip (Part 1 of 2)

Yesterday I mentioned that Jacoby's Treasure Chest is more-or-less a reflection of my current tastes in cards since the big man is just 13 months old at this point. While for the immediate future, I will be making the executive decisions while the CEO is mastering his motor skills, Jacoby called me into his office yesterday and mentioned that he would like me to analyze a couple of pack rips of HIS choice. Who am I to cross paths with the head cheese? So last night, Mom and Jacoby went to Target with explicit instructions to have JD pick out two packs from the $1.99 bin. Any two packs of his choice. Needless to say, the results were stunning.

I present to you pack #1 SpongeBob Squaaare PANTS!....series 2. Ooh boy, this is going to be a bit more challenging than I first thought. Back in my college days, those late nights of "studying" that ultimately resulted in sitting in front of the TV, watching Cartoon Network with a big bowl of cereal and a wooden spoon were well before the time of SpongeBob. To my recollection (foggy at best) Space Ghost: Coast to Coast ruled the roost and its 15 minute episodes were about perfect for our limited mental capacity after a grueling "study" session. Space Ghost was tight, but the dude was a serious stick in the mud, and Zorak and Moltar picked on him relentlessly. Where else could you see Pauly Shore, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Emeril Lagasse, a praying mantis, and a robot producer all in one show?

But as your humble blogging host, I will go the extra mile to make some sort of sense out of the SpongeBob universe. To the rip!

Card #1 - Revenge of DoodleBob. "Look out SpongeBob, he has an eraser"! What a seriously scary way to wake out of a nice sponge sleep. Okay, so the pencil is a "Magic" pencil to falls to the ocean floor from a writer in a boat on the surface. Spongebob and his goofy little starfish pal start to play around with it and discover that whatever they draw comes to life...and can also be erased by the eraser. After several great laughs, the terror begins as Spongebob "doodles" and thus the evil DoodleBob comes to life and begins to cause a ruckus in the deep. This particular scene depicts an evening after Spongebob and Patrick tricked DoodleBob and erased him...all but his arm. Late at night the arm grabs the pencil and redraws himself. How does SpongeBob save the day you might ask? WELL, it turns out that he discovers that in order for a doodle to exist, it must be on paper, so he slams Doodlebob into a book, thus putting him on paper where Doodles belong. Phew, close call SpongeBob.

Card #2 - Well, not a card at all but a 1 in 6 packs Tattoo! Thanks to the miracles of scanning negatives, we can reverse the image to reveal the "screamin' my pants off"! seriously rockin out Spongebob. I am going to apply this baby before my poker game this afternoon and intimidate the competition.

Card #3 - This exclusive photo was taken from the BCS National Championship. Pictured is Texas backup QB Garrett Gilbert and the Alabama Crimson Tide Defense.

Card #4 - Light and Fashionable - Right, so apparently SpongeBob happens upon a purple wig that he thinks is the cat's pajamas. Even though everybody makes fun of him, he convinces himself that they are laughing with him and not at him. Oh SpongeBob. The rub is that this little dude next to him is Ned (I think), and Ned is the leader of a band, but the producer wont hire Ned because he has no hair (underwater discrimination...I sense a Spongesuit in his future). So from what I can gather somehow during a riot that SpongeBob causes by blocking a movie screen with his massive hair, Neddie gets hold of the wig, saves his career and SpongeBob can sleep happily again that his wig made somebody else cool. Don't be fooled though, SpongeBob was PISSED that his wig got stolen.

Card #5 - Man, this episode sound HI-larious! So Spongebob and Patrick are skipping town to head to a jellyfish convention and NO SNAILS ALLOWED. Gary is SpongeBobs pet snail. Having no options, SpongeBob asks SquidWorth to take care of him. Squidworth is a bit of a D-Bag and completely DOES NOT take care of Gary. Result? Gary gets sick, SpongeBob takes him to the vet and accidentally gets a dosage of snail medicine...which of course turns SpongeBob into a snail! After some more chaos ensues, SquidWorth also accidentally runs into a needle and turns into a snail also! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As I said, HI-larious! The science in this episode begs to question: Did all of the juicers in MLB "accidentally" inject themselves with medicine intended for Mr. Met, thus resulting is ginormous craniums? Hmm...

Card #6 - Again, not a card, but a game piece for the "Happy Squared Sweepstakes"! How did we do?

AWW! Another stupid "enter code online" contest. Well, what the hell. I went to the site and logged Jacoby's code into the system. Result? We are entered in some sort of contest, though it is incredibly vague and the site assured me that if he wins, they will contact Jacoby's parents to let them know. I can guarantee one result from this contest...I am now going to get a @#$%-load of spam mails from Nickelodean now!

Card #7 - Sponge in Space!

Ground Control to Major Sponge,

Ground Control to Major Sponge,

take your water pills and put your helmet on.

Ground Control to Major Sponge

Commencing SpongeDown, faucets on!

PHEW, made it through the pack! For further information, please visit the SpongeBob Wiki, but please be forewarned that some of the synopsis of episodes will make your head spin round and round as they were most likely written by those late-night college revelers who put down the wooden spoon long enough to post a wicked wiki.
And just in case it is not in your head already, please click here
Part 2 tomorrow. What did Jacoby choose?

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